by lauren on Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Here it is, Internet! My first attempt at writing something other than a cover letter since I graduated from school in 2010. I figured if I want to be a published writer the best way to do that is to forgo any form of laborious training and schooling, skip right past all the heart-breaking rejection that comes with writing submissions, and just start a blog! Look at me now haters!

And what better way to make my mark on the internet than to chronicle my viewing of every single piece of celluloid Tom Hardy has been committed to.

Much to the chagrin of "true Tom Hardy fans" (mostly found in the #tom hardy tumblr tag), I didn't pay much attention to our lovely subject until I saw The Dark Knight Rises. I was smitten for reasons unknown. If my track record for crushes (both celebrity and plebeian) were a catalogue one could casually peruse, one might notice that there is a significant lack of:

  1. men with very defined musculature
  2. men with little to no hair
  3. men without deep voices
True love strikes when one leasts expects it, however (at least I've been told). I was strangely attracted to Bane and found myself getting very emotionally invested in the plot to blow up Gotham. I suppose any further thoughts I have on the matter may or may not be considered spoilers so for the sake of my trainer, my stepmom, and the two other people who have not seen the film I will stop myself now. LET IT BE KNOWN that I was greatly disappointed (although what can one expect when you've found yourself rooting for an antagonist).


I came home after watching the movie and started the prerequisite googling that comes after a new-found obsession. And ... I was slightly confused. This is the image that pops up when you google Tom Hardy (in case you haven't already, in which case I don't even want to talk to you):

Hey girl, you're still not ready to give up your card-carrying membership to the Ryan Gosling fan club yet, are you?

I guess wikipedia articles never have the best pictures to begin with but this wasn't doing anything for me and it didn't look anything like Bane. 

I did see Inception a few years ago and I vaguely remembered his character from that film and vaguely remember being attracted to him (this was a very dark time in my life obviously, as evidenced by the fact that everything was pretty vague) so I decided to not relent until I found a picture in which I found him attractive. 

Has anyone made any jokes about Eames chairs yet?
If we revisit my list of things-Lauren-is-not-attracted-to you will notice that Tom Hardy now successfully defies an astounding three out of three. The swollen lips are something of a turn-off, but when we truly love someone we are able to overlook the imperfections in a selfless act to love the person as a whole (or so I'm told). Like all good consumers of fine goods, I decided to research the subject further before I made up my mind on whether or not I should begin a fascination of sorts.

And then I stumbled across this image of perfection on tumblr:

Workaholicsaholics will note that this is not the proper way to cook a turkey
I was sold. Any man who could make me question my pretty set-in-stone standards for men who also happened to be featured in my favorite-movie-as-an-eighteen-year-old (Marie Antoinette) and has the gall to post the most ridiculous pictures of himself on the internet while still being a pretty decent actor deserves a spot in my obsession canon.

I then obtained several movies in which he was prominently featured and I found myself spiraling out of control, µtorrent running all night so that I might hope to wake up to a new Tom Hardy movie to sate my seemingly ravenous appetite. However, I had set boundaries for myself. Only watch the art house films, the films with ensemble casts which garnered critical acclaim. I’d seen Inception but didn’t remember any of it other than that I got a headache, I’d been meaning to get around to seeing Bronson, and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was on top of several year end lists so that means it has to be a quality film, right? And hell, why not re-watch Marie Antoinette, it couldn’t hurt to revisit it for old times sake. But these were not enough to sate me. I found myself desirous of more Tom Hardy films, despite all attempts to try to rationalize myself out of a burgeoning obsession.

The thing about Tom Hardy movies, however, is that I discovered that I really just didn't like them very much. Not because they were particularly awful films and certainly not because Tom Hardy is a slouch when it comes to acting. Therefore it became harder for me to properly explain why I needed to take fifty screen shots of a particular scene and why I felt compelled to fill my hard drive with films I normally wouldn't give a second thought, if I even thought about them at all. And like, you know, I like went to school for critically thinking about literature and media maaaaaan.

I was watching a particular film (which I will, of course, write about later) and I kept remarking on how I really didn't enjoy it and someone asked me why I kept watching it. And I knew why I kept watching it, but like, I like, asked myself why? on like, a deeper level. This isn't just because I enjoy Tom Hardy. This is because I have an inexplicablely compelling feeling that forces me to continue to watch something that I don't necessarily enjoy so that I can talk about it. And then it hit me! "Write a fucking blog about it, you dope!" I've wanted to write a blog for some time but didn't feel narcissistic enough to write about my life. But I certainly do feel narcissistic enough to write about a niche within my life that may or may not appeal to others and may or may not get the attention of it's subject (I KNOW YOU READ ABOUT YOURSELF ON THE INTERNET, T. HARD).

A lesser person than I would caption this with "ADORBZ"


So here it is, assholes! Welcome to Tom Hard-On, my curious exploration into the filmography of a one Edward Thomas Hardy.

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