You ever make homemade popcorn on the stove and right as the popcorn starts popping you realize that you're all out of real butter and the only thing in the fridge is vegetable oil spread and you let out an audible groan because you can't believe you don't have butter but who likes to eat plain popcorn and how's the salt supposed to stick so you grudgingly melt that blue bonnet shit and then when you go to pour it over your popcorn it just all comes out at the same time so everything is soggy and then you add too much salt and it just tastes disgusting and totally not worth it but you just really want a snack so you eat it anyways?

The things I do for love.

Well this happened right before I started watching RocknRolla and more or less accurately describes how I feel about it. It's like eating your cultural vegetables but actually the exact opposite of that.

The first time I watched it, I just fast forwarded through everything until I got to a Tom Hardy scene, waited to see if he did anything interesting, and then fast forwarded to the next scene. Which worked well enough for me but this was before I decided to make sacrifices for the greater good of the internet. I did this all for you, Internet.

I really didn't understand the movie at all. London's on the rise! Let's buy an old factory? Old factories are expensive and Tom Wilkinson is standing in our way! Now there's a Russian stereotype and a hot accountant. We're stealing things! Now there's a drug-addicted son! People just keep getting involved in ... a plot to buy a factory? No really I don't understand why everyone is so angry! Money keeps getting stolen? What's so great about this fucking painting? Why is this movie titled Rocknrolla when the only thing "rock and roll" about the movie seems like it's being shoehorned in?

Looks like I'm not the only confused one here.

I mean okay, cool, it's just that these types of movies aren't my thing at all. Boys' clubs and what-not, women are just sexual objects and aren't in any real position of power. The "no homo" vibes were really off-putting as well. Instead of accepting that dudes can be attracted to dudes, let's make fun of it! And even though some people seem to be okay with a "poof" (their words, not mine), the blatant homophobia still sticks.

From what I understand, Handsome Bob is about to go to jail. I think. I don't know why exactly but he is, I guess everyone goes to jail at some point in their life in this film, kind of like jury duty or church in our reality. Gerard Butler's character plans a going away party for him in which there will be copious amounts of drugs and strippers. Visably distressed at the thought of breasts, he tells Gerard Butler that he doesn't want strippers, he wants ....

wait for it ...

GERARD BUTLER!

Look at your life, look at your choices, Handsome Bob

I mean I guess when you're Tom Hardy, where else can you go but down.

Gerard Butler doesn't like this, slams the breaks, and calls him a dirty bastard. Hey now, G. Butt, that's not very progressive! Your friend just came out of the closet (kind of?) and you call him a bastard? RUDE. And you know what, G. Butt? (I'm going to call him G. Butt because I think he kind of looks like a butt) Gay men can have sex with women and still be gay! Wow! A lot to process, I know. Think you can do it? I think you can, I believe in you! G. Butt regrets his freak out seeing that Handsome Bob doesn't seem to be taking it very well and asks him what, exactly, Bob would do to him if given the chance. WAY TO SPIN THIS TIME OF TRAUMA INTO SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF!

What a brave man, touching one of those ho-mo-seks-you-alls.

Throughout the rest of the movie, the running gag is that G. Butt is completely freaked out by the idea of Handsome Bob's homosexuality and keeps him at ten arms' lengths, especially after he let Handsome Bob dance with him. G. Butt is upset that Handsome Bob isn't in jail, G. Butt is upset that Handsome Bob is at a party, G. Butt (okay I am getting tired of typing G. Butt) doesn't want Handsome Butt to be the driver anymore. I mean, look, we've all been there. Someone who you view in a sexually neutral way decides to tell you how they feel and now everything's awkward. Can we just keep it together for the remainder of the movie? Once the movie's over, your relationship with Handsome Bob doesn't matter to the audience anymore (with the exception to the fanfiction community).*

It took me two days to finish watching RocknRolla and I had a lot of unanswered questions, the most pressing being "What the hell was that even about?" Generally if I watch a movie that I rather disliked and couldn't wait to finish I just forget about it and move on with my life. But I'm a responsible parent of a BLOG now, I can't just act like that never happened!

If you dig around in the message boards enough (but not enough that you reach a point where you can't believe you've wasted five hours reading the same illiterate drivel) you'll eventually find what you're looking for, and more. The second the credits started rolling, I closed that window as fast as I could. How foolish of me! If I would have only had the patience to revel in whatever testosterone-fueled jock jam that played over the credits, I would have gotten a little more resolution regarding that Handsome Bob/G. Butt pairing I was so desperately trying to bleach from my mind. Hinted at earlier in the film, G. Butt grants Handsome Bob a dance before (he assumes) the latter goes to jail (which isn't even a bad thing, GB thinks, because gay dudes should hypothetically love jail, right? right?). The end credits expound on an earlier scene wherein we see Handsome Bob holding on to G. Butt for dear life in what can only be loosely be described as dancing. Laughter is sure to ensue from the audience because wow does Handsome Bob have it bad and isn't it soooo funny to see Gerard Butler awkwardly dancing with a man who has feelings for him? Let me tell you, I was straight up IN STITCHES (you can check it out here, the video quality isn't up to the quality standards I have for this fine blog).

Even cinematographically speaking, Handsome Bob is kept at arm's length. Do you know how hard it was to take a decent screen shot of the guy? The movie's so daggum dark and shaky that you can't even properly look at his face. Maybe the same goes for the rest of the characters as well, but we all know I wasn't paying attention.

You will meet a dark stranger. But not by choice. Because the cinematography is shit.

There just comes a point in movies that very action-packed where my mind just shuts down. If there's a lot of punching and yelling and shooting and jerky camera work and loud music, my mind refuses to process what's going on. It's all a blur anyways, innit? What's the point of paying attention if there aren't really things to pay attention to?

Basically this is a movie that I would have never even considered watching if it hadn't have been for Tom Hardy gracing this turd with his presence. And before the hypothetical you gets all up in arms because, gasp, how dare I! let me just say this: it takes all different kinds of people to make this big, dumb, crazy world of ours to work and not everyone's going to like your energy-drink-commercial-stretched-from-thirty-seconds-to-two-hours kind of films. So if you like it, cool, great! I am happy for you! I didn't and I found it problematic and way too long.

NEXT!


*AND HOLY HELL it exists